ISIS threatens Alex Jones: “Grow that beard longer or WE WILL BEHEAD YOU!”

Radio host's newfound faith helps him shrug off threats


Dissociated Press

Is ISIS plotting an attack on Alex Jones?

In a new video released by Rita Kuntz of SHITE Intelligence Group, a vicious-looking villain with a big black bushy shariah-compliant beard brandishes a glittering scimitar and inveighs against the popular talk show host’s “pathetic scruffy little attempt to produce facial hair.”

“While we appreciate Alex’s decision to convert to Islam, signified by his effort to put some manly hair on that pudgy little baby face, the fact is that to be fully shariah compliant, beards need to be at least 16 centimeters in length,” scowling ISIS spokesvillain Abdul Ibn Stinkenstein explained.

He added that Jones also had better quit drinking, chasing women, and indulging in his penchant for nose candy “or we will be reluctantly forced to parade him around downtown Austin in an orange jumpsuit and give him an ‘ISIS haircut’ which consists of ‘taking everything off above the neck.'”

Informed of ISIS’s threats, Jones reacted with the equanimity characteristic of his newfound faith. “Alhamdullilah, my male potency pills have helped me produce a little bit of facial hair so I can at least try to follow the sunna of the Prophet, sallallahu alaihi wassalam. Insha’allah, if Allah so wills, and my male enhancement supplements finally start to REALLY kick in, a miracle will occur and I will somehow manage to produce an actual beard before ISIS finds me. Insha’allah.”

In an interview outside the local courthouse, Jones’s ex-wife ridiculed her ex-husband’s new beard, and expressed grave doubts that the male enhancement pills would ever actually work.


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  1. The ISIS has nothing to do with Islam they have been created by the Zionists and America to let loose as much mayhem as they can; that is the reason for their existence. All the time, the Muslim community as a whole gets the blame; this man is just another clown who has come out of the woodwork. If you ask him (Or for that matter, any ISIS or Al Qaeda, or Al Nusra, or the multitude of so called Jihadists) define Allah or God, he will be at a loss. What these scums are doing, has nothing even faintly resembling Jihad or holy war. Jihad has a lot of conditions which should be observed even before starting Jihad. Iran bore the brunt of the attacks by Saddam’s forces, even chemical bomb attacks on civilians, still Ayatollah Khomeini, the spiritual head of the Islamic Revolution of Iran never announced Jihad against Saddam’s hordes.

    • Only after they are married; the women don’t give them time to shave, there’s work to be done. We have some Amish markets where I live. These people are salt of the earth and you are lucky to meet one. There was an arrest, a few years back, for selling raw milk. Which is what the Queen of England drinks. Infected cows from corporate factory farms require pasturisation.You can pour e-coli into normal milk and it gets out-competed by natural flora. Anyway some friends of the arrestee took a cow to Lincoln Park by the White House. They offered free milk to any that wanted. As the Amish explained to me,” milk from a cow is illegal? my God how does that happen.” All the TV bullshit about the Amish is just that, pure disinformation bulll shit. When I went to their market I was treated to lunch as often as I purchased it. I love the Amish.

    • My eggs, cottage cheese, and yogurt come from local Amish farms and dairies.

      The only downside is that their vehicle emissions becomes slippery as you know what when it rains, but the state DOT made an extra wide paved shoulder on the state highway running through their area to help with the problem.

  2. Off topic, but there is something wrong with YouTube – in my sidebar there were SIX “noliesradio” videos “Recommended for You”. 🙂

  3. Thanks for the laugh, well done. Many folks became aware of the truth movement through Alex Jones and Infowars. Myself included. I met him in Chantilly, Va. during a Bilderburg protest. People grow and their understanding of the mechanics of how the world works changes through time. What I enjoy most about VT is the editing, the feedback and the talent of its staff. You don’t have to sell boner pills to the readers of VT.

  4. sad to read this stuff on a great new page as a native American ex USMC i can’t grow a beard so ISIS AND JONES ARE SHIT OUT OF LUCK that what happens when your not a real American,

    • You realize that Alex Jones gets big Wampun from Sheldon Adelson and his gambling revenues. And that this whole read is comedy making fun of Jones. Right? Besides you being a Marine, (is there such a thing as ex?) just shave that shit and the women wiil fight to get at you. You lucky …

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