Western “Intelligence”: Putin is Sick, Dead, or Worse


Dissociated Press

A consortium of Western intelligence agencies has issued an assessment claiming that Russian President Vladimir Putin is sick, dead, or even worse.

“Based on the fact that his face looks kind of puffy and he doesn’t smile as much as he didn’t used to, we assess with a high degree of confidence that Putin either has cancer, heart disease, AIDS, leprosy, ebola, rabies, smallpox, anthrax, or plague, or most likely some combination of those conditions; or that he is dead and just hasn’t realized it yet; or that he died and has been replaced by the fat guy who pretended to be Osama Bin Laden in the CIA’s fake confession video; or that he died and was brought back to half-life by a secret Russian zombification process that makes corpses walk and talk more or less like they did when they were alive, except that their faces are kind of puffy and they don’t smile as much as they didn’t used to when they were alive, and, most horrifically of all, they stumble around with glazed eyes chasing people and catching them and eating their brains. Since the final option is the most vile and horrific thing we can think of, we assess that it is most likely the truth: PUTIN IS A ROTTING, FESTERING ZOMBIE AND HE IS COMING TO EAT YOUR BRAINS!”

The Western intelligence consortium credited the Ghost of Kiev and the Foul-Mouthed Martyrs of Snake Island with giving Putin cancer, heart disease, AIDS, leprosy, ebola, rabies, smallpox, anthrax, and plague, thereby killing him and forcing the Russians to zombify him: “The Ghost of Kiev, after shooting down the entire Russian Air Force, flew to Moscow at Mach 10, skimming the treetops to evade Russian air defenses, and fired a Putin-seeking fleche dart with a cocktail of pathogens from Ukraine-based US bioweapons labs. Simultaneously, the foulmouthed martyrs of Snake Island, seconds before they were blown to kingdom come by Russian forces, dialed Putin’s secret cell phone number and, when the Russian president answered, yelled ‘fuck you’ at him, which naturally gave Putin a heart attack from which he never fully recovered. The combination of diseases and heart problems quickly finished Putin off, which left the Russians no option but to zombify him.”

A Kremlin spokesperson, asked to comment on the charges, responded that “Western intelligence” is an oxymoron, and that although somebody seems to have eaten the West’s brains, it sure wasn’t Putin.


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  1. Vlad, if you are ill plz get well soon. If you nuke DC and a beach house in Delaware, you’ll feel sooo much better! Don’t worry, with what’s left, the rest of us normal apolitical peasant folk wil put things back in a natural state of human existence that benefits mankind, flora and fauna along with the rest of what’s left of this beautiful earth before the “destroyers” can do any more intentional harm because of their “chosen” status.

  2. Apparently, Zionisms “Golden Calf” Dollar asset bubbles death is going to predate Putins death.

  3. The Polish Prime Minister said that Putin should be removed from power.
    Russian President Vladimir Putin needs to be removed from power because he will continue to threaten the West. This was stated by Polish Prime Minister Mateusz Morawiecki.

    “Putin will always threaten us and will blackmail us. Of course, we would like him to be completely removed, he is a brute force, and Russia is a superpower,” he said in an interview with Sky News.

    According to Moravetsky, threats and blackmail from the Russian president cannot be avoided if Ukraine loses the war.

    In this case, “the whole of Europe will no longer be safe.”

  4. The brains of ‘The West’ have had new reflexes grafted on to the existing ones, allegedly more ‘humane’ and ‘spiritual’.

    The Controllers have created a culture of self sacrifice in which the higher up the scale of culture we go the further removed we become from our natural instincts.
    ‘Their’ biological salvation is found in ignoring moral and social considerations to satisfy their own immediate biological needs. In other words they have disarmed any opposition by creating a system based on their laws, religions and education-an artificial system-whilst maintaining for themselves the basic instinct for struggle,  biologically the most important and strongest of the reflexes, to fight off any threat to their survival.
    For them altruism is biologically inept since it leads to a renunciation of immediate benefits and to sacrifice for the sake of other men.
    We will wear masks and be vaccinated for the greater good of society.
    And ‘They’
    Will do as they please.

  5. Putin’s health is fine. Of course, the current situation in the world has a strong impact. He has a responsibility. Every decision and action must be verified. I would also think the least about smiling if I was surrounded by an angry pack of dogs.

  6. Christopher Steele, the former UK spy and reputed author of the infamous and discredited “Steele dossier,” told Sky News earlier this month he believes Putin is “seriously ill” and claimed that factored into the Feb. 24 invasion of Ukraine.

  7. Russian Foreign Minister Sergei Lavrov issued a response to the reports, saying that Putin “makes public appearances on a daily basis.”

    “You can see him on TV screens, read, and listen to his speeches. I don’t think that a sane person can suspect any signs of an illness or ailment in this man,” he added. “I’ll leave it on the conscience of those who disseminate such rumors despite daily opportunities for everyone to see how he and others look like.”

  8. Thank you! I needed a good laugh. Maybe he just has apoplexy, a severe form of perplexation from the reaction of the “WEST”. He shoulda known da west z fulla Haystax Kalhoons. Cheers Dude, may you laugh long and prosper.

  9. Lord Northcliffe’s “illness” is detailed in Douglas Reed’s 1956 book(only published in 1978)

  10. I always enjoy Kevin’s writing, humor, cynicism and sarcasm, the best way to disarm the madness.
    Not so funny is what happened to Lord Northcliffe, who was declared ill by a “nerve doctor” onboard a train and given an injection. He died not long thereafter. Others “jumped through windows and out of balconies”

  11. Kevin, you forgot to mention the most secret, dangerous and effective western intelligence weapon implemented against Putin…. ukie’s witches dancing around a campfire !!!

  12. Kevin. Who says we don’t get better with age. You’re on a roll! My vote for a Pulitzer if I had one.

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