Pentagon Reveals Chinese Spy Balloon Was “Weaponized Hyperinflated Condom”

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Dissociated Press

A Pentagon spokesperson reported Wednesday that the Chinese spy balloon shot down off South Carolina last week was a “Weaponized Hyperinflated Condom” (WHC) that posed a serious threat to America’s national virility.

According to the report, the Chinese have developed a new polymer-layering nanotechnology that can be sprayed on the outside of an ordinary condom, giving it incredible strength and allowing it to be inflated to enormous sizes.

“By tumescing it with helium and sending it into American airspace, the Chinese demonstrated their ability to put a gargantuan phallus right there over our heads. It’s a gigantic ‘fuck-you’ to the American people, and Biden just sat there and took it,” said Sen. Tom Cotton (R-Arkansas).



Donald Trump agreed, adding that the Chinese WHC was “really, really yuuuuuuuuge.” Trump said the Chinese were sending a message about the under-endowed phallus of the current occupant of the White House, and never would have dared to do it if a “yuuuuuuuge” president like himself had been in office.

Speaking off-the-record, a National Security Council source said that China’s average penis size, like its economy and military, has been growing faster than America’s, and that the WHC represented an attempt to “ram that message home.” He added that if current trends continued, China’s phallic endowment, economy, and military would surpass America’s by 2030, causing the once-mighty US empire and the dollar on which it is based to shrivel and shrink into unmitigated impotence.

Gen. Jack D. Ripper, busy planning America’s next move in Ukraine, could not be reached for comment.

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5 COMMENTS

  1. Your comment is awaiting moderation

    The three-character text on the sex-doctores photo illustration reads “Qǜ nĭ de”*, which could be well-willingly translated as “go your way” (along your own chosen path). In reallity, it is a weakened and abbreviated form of “(Cào) nĭ măma de (chòu bīzi)”# (Just go on f..king your mother’s rotten c.nt!).
    The apparent dissimilarities don’t work well in Pekinese street language, but smells and spells excellently and rhymes in some South China regionalects.
    Motherfuckers have as yet to be included in the woke alphabet-soup of deviant sexual critters in the US, just as both father-fuckers (c.f. A Guthrie) and real heterosexual F-ers have still not been let come in from the cold, spied void.
    Bĕijing local dialectical vulgarities are of course much more crude than the above, as anyone listening to local bus conductors and bicycle parking attendands can bear witness to.
    By abiding to these friendly words of adwise from top-down Oriental sexologists, the U.S. could solve its overpopulation problem, especially in and around Wall Street and Foggy Bottom, and leave the rest to “aliah” (up into yours) to their promised tax haven polity.

    */去你的。
    #/肏你的妈妈的臭痹(痺子)。
    Reply

  2. The three-character text on the sex-doctores photo illustration reads “Qǜ nĭ de”*, which could be well-willingly translated as “go your way” (along your own chosen path). In reallity, it is a weakened and abbreviated form of “(Cào) nĭ măma de (chòu bīzi)”# (Just go on f..king your mother’s rotten c.nt!).
    The apparent dissimilarities don’t work well in Pekinese street language, but smells and spells excellently and rhymes in some South China regionalects.
    Motherfuckers have as yet to be included in the woke alphabet-soup of deviant sexual critters in the US, just as both father-fuckers (c.f. A Guthrie) and real heterosexual F-ers have still not been let come in from the cold, spied void.
    Bĕijing local dialectical vulgarities are of course much more crude than the above, as anyone listening to local bus conductors and bicycle parking attendands can bear witness to.
    By abiding to these friendly words of adwise from top-down Oriental sexologists, the U.S. could solve its overpopulation problem, especially in and around Wall Street and Foggy Bottom, and leave the rest to “aliah” (up into yours) to their promised tax haven polity.

    */去你的。
    #/肏你的妈妈的臭痹(痺子)。

  3. I believe that the Chinese know that the Jews control the United States of America and if this is so about that balloon, then it was a message to worldwide Jewry.

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