A Pentagon spokesperson reported Wednesday that the Chinese spy balloon shot down off South Carolina last week was a “Weaponized Hyperinflated Condom” (WHC) that posed a serious threat to America’s national virility.
According to the report, the Chinese have developed a new polymer-layering nanotechnology that can be sprayed on the outside of an ordinary condom, giving it incredible strength and allowing it to be inflated to enormous sizes.
“By tumescing it with helium and sending it into American airspace, the Chinese demonstrated their ability to put a gargantuan phallus right there over our heads. It’s a gigantic ‘fuck-you’ to the American people, and Biden just sat there and took it,” said Sen. Tom Cotton (R-Arkansas).
Donald Trump agreed, adding that the Chinese WHC was “really, really yuuuuuuuuge.” Trump said the Chinese were sending a message about the under-endowed phallus of the current occupant of the White House, and never would have dared to do it if a “yuuuuuuuge” president like himself had been in office.
Speaking off-the-record, a National Security Council source said that China’s average penis size, like its economy and military, has been growing faster than America’s, and that the WHC represented an attempt to “ram that message home.” He added that if current trends continued, China’s phallic endowment, economy, and military would surpass America’s by 2030, causing the once-mighty US empire and the dollar on which it is based to shrivel and shrink into unmitigated impotence.
Gen. Jack D. Ripper, busy planning America’s next move in Ukraine, could not be reached for comment.
Dr. Kevin Barrett, a Ph.D. Arabist-Islamologist is one of America’s best-known critics of the War on Terror.
He also has appeared many times on Fox, CNN, PBS, and other broadcast outlets, and has inspired feature stories and op-eds in the New York Times, the Christian Science Monitor, the Chicago Tribune, and other leading publications.
Dr. Barrett has taught at colleges and universities in San Francisco, Paris, and Wisconsin; where he ran for Congress in 2008. He currently works as a nonprofit organizer, author, and talk radio host.