Dissociated Press

The Strip Club Owners of America, the industry’s leading Washington lobby, has demanded that Fox host Tucker Carlson apologize for what they called his “vile” comparison of them to Ukrainian president Volodymyr Zelensky.

“I don’t care if he’s the president of war-torn Timbuktu, this guy is a sleazeball, even compared to us,” said Sam Skanksky, SCOA’s slimy-green-sweatsuit-wearing spokesscumbag. “I wouldn’t hire him to play piano at my club, even if he promised to wipe off the keys afterwards.”

“I may be a small-time clubowning pimp who deals coke on the side,” Skanksky continued, “but even I know that if I was ever asked to address Congress I’d trade in my sweatsuit and dress like all the other snakes. And by the way, if Zelensky needs some blow while he’s in town he should give me a call.”

The SCOA frontman noted that unlike Zelensky, strip club owners don’t keep coming back to Congress begging for more 50 billion dollar handouts. “Sure, we overcharge for drinks, that comes with the territory, but 50 billion bucks a pop? That’s chutzpah.”

Tucker Carlson, who had not yet apologized as this article went to press, could not be reached for comment.


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