Final Solution to Israel’s Jewish Problem


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By Kevin Barrett, VT Editor

Israel has a problem. A Jewish problem. A very Jewish problem.

Israel is having difficulty figuring out who’s Jewish and who isn’t. And that’s a problem. Because it’s important. Those deemed “Jews” get rights, the others get left out.

For example, Israel won’t let its gold medalist Artem Dolgopyat get married. Why not? Because the Chief Rabbinate says he isn’t Jewish.

Dolgopyat’s dad is Jewish. But his mom is not. According to the Rabbinate, you need a Jewish mother to be really, truly Jewish. So no matter how much your dad pushes you to apply for medical school, not having a mom who implores you to become “my son the doctor” makes you incorrigibly goy. Authentic “chosenness” will always elude you.

My own mom never nagged me to apply for medical school. But after I got run out of the university for questioning 9/11, and got smeared by B’nai Brith as an “anti-Semitic conspiracy theorist,” she felt the need to inform me that I ought to dial down my “anti-Semitism” because I myself might be Jewish. Her mother, my grandmother, had a maternal grandmother, a German emigrant, who might have been Jewish. So if my maternal grandmother’s maternal grandmother was Jewish, that would make me 100% kosher according to the Chief Rabbinate. If it all checks out, I’m eligible to make aliyah and move to Israel and marry Artem Dolgopyat’s girlfriend!

Reflecting on my hypothetical Jewish ancestry, and eligibility for aliyah, I suddenly hit upon the final solution to Israel’s Jewish problem. So I scheduled a meeting with Israel’s Chief Rabbinate next Thursday at 5:30 pm. I am going to explain to them a truly Talmudic loophole that will allow Artem Dolgopyat to reclaim Jewish status and marry his nice Jewish girlfriend. It goes like this:

So, listen up, rabbis! Eve was Jewish, right? After all, Y*wh* made her out of Adam’s kosher rib. And we all know kosher ribs are Jewish! (At least if you say “Hold the chitlins.”) So if Eve was the first Jewish mother, then her daughter, and her daughters’ daughters, and daughter’ daughters’ daughters, and so on, were all Jewish too. Since we can all trace our maternal ancestry to Eve, and have the mitochondria to prove it, we’re all just as Jewish as you! So the rights that Israel extends only to Jews, like the right to marry your Jewish girlfriend, should be extended to all Israel-Palestine citizens, including Artem Dolgopyat.

I assume the Rabbis will come up with equally Talmudic counter-arguments to my claim that the entire world’s population is Jewish: “Oy vey! We’ll have to whack off the tips of billions of peepees and there aren’t enough rabbis on earth to do all that whacking,” etcetera etcetera. It may take awhile to convince them. But in the end the truth, common sense, and universal human brother- and sisterhood will prevail; the Grand Rabbinate of Israel will recognize all human beings as first class citizens equally deserving of basic human rights like the right to marry your Jewish girlfriend (and to not get beaten, shot, tortured, doused with white phosphorous, and so on); and Artem Dogopyat will get to go home with both a gold medal and a Jewish bride.


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  1. I couldn’t believe this, I thought some wise revisionist was making fun of them… well no, this is serious, how can anyone take them seriously after that!

    1938 News Report: Financial War on “Anti-Semitic States” for “Persecuting Jewish FINANCIERS” not Civilian Jews

    Of course some Jews were against the boycott, they kinda suspected the German Jews would kinda pay for this.

    American Jewish Ass. Against Boycott of German Goods

  2. Y’all’s intercourse leads me to pray the Gordon is correct;”ain’t nobody on the other end of that phone call”.
    Then, seeing the virus run amuck in the Evangelical Zionists, I think that maybe there is.

  3. It was painful to watch you keep a straight face and push the banter when Cat slipped out of the bag on her election take. She didn’t get you with the palm. I was hoping for an interpretive read on you Kevin.

  4. To be forgiven for you sins, including for the Goyim, whenever the Holy of Holy Jerusalem Temple is completed, one simply pays the money fee to a Holy of Holy Temple Rabbi to have an animal Holy-Temple-sacrificed for their sins to be forgiven, and then the animal dies ( sent to the Dead Sea ? ) in your place.

  5. Another important reason that the Dead Sea represents the Holiness of Israel, is associated with the main purpose of the Holy of Holy Temple in Jerusalem, which presently is waiting to be rebuilt again after being destroyed about 1950 years ago.

    The main purpose of the Holy of Holy Temple today is to sacrifice living animals with fire, and to cook some of the animals and to turn some of the living animals into ash for Temple rituals.

    Another main purpose of the Holy of Holy Temple is to be a house for the ark of the covenant and the ark’s contents, but this ark was lost long ago, and lost before the first Holy of Holy Temple was destroyed by the Babylonians.

  6. The Dead Sea is not just a big hole, but the Dead Sea is also the earth’s biggest and deepest land area hole, and that makes it truly Holy.

    There is no other land area lower than 1385 feet below sea level as is the Dead Sea.

    Also the Holiness of the Dead Sea represents how the evil of Sodom and Gomorrah was removed off the earth.

  7. What is the real Holiness of Israel ?

    Could the real Holiness of Israel be that the Dead Sea area is the deepest hole and the lowest land area elevation on the earth ? People seek God to continue to stay alive and healthy and to not become part of the Dead Sea.

    It is interesting that God made it rain red fire upon Sodom and Gomorah that was located at the Dead Sea.

    What is located about 1385 feet above and just next to the Dead Sea ? It is the Red Sea.

    • So you’re saying that the Dead Sea is a big hole and that makes it Holy? I have some socks like that.

  8. 50 million US Christian Zionists say you’re wrong, Kevin. As long as the European Ashkenazim who claim to be the “chosen ones” make it down to Palestine and genocide the indigenous Palestinians, they can be turned into cinder cakes right long with us in the great conflagration that is to come, whether the tips of their peepees are whacked or not.

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