Trump Reveals “Absolute Proof Election Was Stolen”


Dissociated Press

Donald Trump stunned the nation this morning by unveiling what he called “absolute proof” the election was stolen.

Trump produced Michael Connell II, the GOP’s Voting Machine Adjustment Czar, who swore on a Satanic Bible that he had rigged the machines to produce a narrow Trump victory in key swing states, along with a close enough election nationwide to make it plausible. But the evil, cheating Democrats, Connell II explained, undid all of his hard work by “pulling an unexpectedly large number of mail-in ballots out of their, er, party symbol.”

Trump snatched the microphone away from Connell II and delivered an angry diatribe: “How can Americans have faith in their democracy when fake mail-in ballots can ‘trump’ the will of the people—the people who rig voting machines? When I said this was going to be the most rigged election in history, I didn’t know the half of it!”

Trump threatened to fight the re-rigging of the rigged election all the way to the Supreme Court, “and even to the High Court of the Archangel Lucifer if necessary.”

The President ended the press conference by reciting his favorite poem, “The Snake,” adding sibilant hisses to underline his identification with the title character. “You knew I was a sssssnake when you took me in to the White Housssse, so don’t try to throw me out or I’ll bite you on the asssssssssssssss!” he screamed, adding:

“The bottom line is, I stole this election fair and square, and no cheating cheater-cheaters are ever going to take it away from me!”


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  1. From Jonathan Simon, author of Code Red (the best book on wholesale voting machine fraud):

    “Thx Kevin, brilliant! It reminds me of this wonderful scene in the terrific David Bradley novel “The Chaneysville Incident,” in which a poker game is being recounted and one guy was going to knife another for cheating and everybody said “Hold on, how do you know?” and he replied “I know the bastard is cheating because he’s showing three of a kind and I know I didn’t deal him nothing but two pair!” Fwiw, there are accusations of Democratic cheating being floated by The Federalist and (oy) Paul Craig Roberts – so far baseless, but time-consuming. And fwiw, I called it in the first CODE RED (2012):

    “…finally it is not wholly inconceivable that a hidden game of rigging, thwarting, and counter-rigging—a kind of domestic electoral equivalent of the spy-thriller antics of the Cold War—will come to characterize our best-in-class, Made-in-the-USA model of democracy.

    Best – Jon”

    Jonathan D. Simon
    Executive Director, Election Defense Alliance (2006 – 2016)
    Author: CODE RED: Computerized Elections and the War on American Democracy

  2. Another funny one, Kevin, but just remember, Trump is the most dangerous man on the planet. He’s willing to do or say anything to remain in office. And, the real perps of 9/11 are still solidly in place to pull off another one if needed. Keep your eyes on the likes of Larry Silverstein taking a quick vacation out of the country.

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